Unemployment

I moved to California on blind faith. God confirmed it to me, gave me a date, and I left.

Now, I am in a new city and struggling to connect to new people and a new ministry. I'm a No One. Not literally--I know I have value--but others don't know me yet. I'm just another name and face in a sea of new people.

I am no punk. I knew it would be hard, but it has been hard in ways I didn't anticipate.

I didn't anticipate how much my strength relied on people, pressure, and necessity. With no one immediately looking to me for direction and no responsibilities in ministry it's been easy to get lazy in my faith walk. I don't have to pray, seek God, and study for my literal survival anymore. The only person I am leading right now is me, and me likes to feel like she is okay and doesn't need to press deep.

I also didn't anticipate how hard it would be to not have a reasonable answer for people who ask "Why did you move out here?" or "What do you plan to do?" Let's face it, someone moving across country for no specific reason, with no perspective source of income makes people nervous. And them being nervous makes me nervous. I've literally left conversations full of anxiety that I've had to cast down. Yes, I am doing things backward. In the natural it seems silly, stupid, and unwise.

I didn't anticipate that it would take this long. Two months is not a long time, but it feels like an eternity. While God has been revealing bits and pieces to me of the why I am here, a vast majority of it is still undiscovered. I was hoping that I'd show up and BOOM I would know and step into it. Nope. Hasn't happened yet. I'm ok with not knowing, but answering the people who keep asking "Have you found a job yet?" is getting old. Yes, I am looking. No, I haven't found one. I KNOW God has the perfect place for me and He will take care of me until I find it.

This past week has been the hardest, not because of external opposition, but because my heart and mind want to run away with me into fear and doubt. I've had to really dig deep and reset my heart and mind to the Word of God and the promises He's given me. There is nothing quite so beautiful as to be reminded who you are and what you're doing by the One who loves you more than anything else.

:)