But He Was So Sexy...

I was 19 years old and he was cute. We were just-friends. He had a girlfriend, and all I wanted to do was kiss his attractive lips. I knew he was dating someone else, and that was pretty much the only thing that kept me from being outright with my desires.

I remember being so conflicted. I wanted to be with him so bad, but I didn't want to be a whore or be 'the other girl.' I knew that my desires were not right, and that if I acted on them bad things would probably happen. I tried to do the right thing and prayed that my feelings would go away. But honestly, all I really wanted was to be able to act on my desires. My heart wished that his girlfriend would disappear and I could have him without feeling guilty.

Here's an actual entry from my journal:

"I am secretly in-like with [Guy]...actually I'm in lust. He is my "buddy" here, but he has a GF so nothing will happen between us. He considers me his best girl...friend. I really think he does like me, but won't make a move because of [GF]. .... I have been working him for so long and I feel I am close to a breakthrough--that he will make a move. But I know that the fact that he would even consider being physical with me means he sees me as nothing more than [skin]. It would not be love--there would be no promise of a relationship. I would basically be a booty call. Ugh...I would jump at the chance to be with him if it didn't make me a home-wrecking-whore."

Long story short, a few weeks later he broke up with his girlfriend and a few days after that we made out...in a most unromantic and awkward way. We never officially dated and the friends-with-kissing-benefits-relationship became very unhealthy and very messy, very quickly.

The experience changed both of us for the worse. It turned me into a 'crazy chick' and started a downward spiral for him. I definitely underestimated how far the ripples of my decisions went. Obviously, I'm leaving out a lot of a very long story, but in hindsight, I can see that it has taken me years to deal with some of the things that started with this relationship.

After the "relationship" ended (it wasn't a clean, or clear, or easy ending), I remember wondering how I'd ended up in such a bad place. I knew it was bad when I'd started down that slippery slope and I'd even prayed to get out of it before it started.

I felt like as much as I tried to resist the feelings and desires, they just overwhelmed me and I ended up sliding right into his arms. I remember feeling trapped. I didn't want the consequences I saw ahead of me, but I felt like I had no control to stop what was driving me towards them. Everything in me wanted him and I didn't know how to change that. I wanted God to just take the desires away from me. And because He never did, I painted myself as powerless to resist the desires in my heart.

A few years (and several similar unhealthy relationships) later , this scripture changed my life:

"Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. 14 But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15 Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death." James 1:13-15

Temptation does not come from God. God does not send temptation to test us. The Bible says in James, that "each person is tempted when they are drawn away by their own desires and enticed." Temptation comes from what is already in my heart.

The scripture goes on to say that "when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." Sin is conceived in the heart long before it is ever "birthed" and committed with the body.

Proverbs 4:23 means so much more to me now: "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."Everything we do comes from the heart. That is why we are command to "guard it."

Temptation comes from the desires I allow to grow inside of me. Sin is conceived in my heart before it is ever acted upon. Soooo, if I want to stop sin, I need to stop it at the heart-level; rather than letting it get conceived inside of me, grow for months and months, and then trying to stop it from being born. Even in the natural, it is easier to stop conception than it is to try to stop a woman going into labor from having that baby.

How many times do we allow our minds to wander towards things we know we shouldn't do? We think it's no big deal to think about it, I'm never going to do it. Those fantasies and 'what ifs' are sin being conceived on the inside of you.

My friend and I did not go from being platonic to friends-with-benefits overnight. There was a gradual departure in my mind from looking at him as a friend and brother-in-Christ. I allowed my mind to wander and played out the scenario a million times in my head. Each time made me want it more, until I felt like there was nothing I could do to stop it and that sin was inevitable. If I had confronted my thoughts when they were small, I would never have crossed those lines.

You are God's child. He created you to have dominion--just like Him. Part of that dominion is managing your own actions by guarding your heart. Think about where it is that you want to go. Now, consider your thought-life. Do they match-up? If not, it's time to cast down vain imaginations. You CAN do it!

Happy growing!

Sarah Dawn