How Loving God Made Me Hate Myself

When I was 13 years old, I had an encounter with God that was so incredible it impacts me to this day. Though I'd loved God all my life, it was during that summer between eighth and ninth grade that I began to know Him personally. After that experience, I felt there was nothing else life could offer me outside of Him.

I began avid journalling shortly after my experience. Recently, I pulled out that very first journal and skimmed through it. While I remember that time with such fondness, I was horrified to find pages and pages of self-loathing. I had an unbelievable encounter with an incredibly amazing and powerful God, and I felt utterly and completely unworthy.

I wanted to start my newly discovered relationship with God off right. I was going to be the best Christian there ever was so He would love me and be proud of me. I heard preachers say that all christians should pray for an hour a day. So, I tried to pray for an hour every day. I was told good christians live a fasted lifestyle. So I purposed to fast one day each week. I was told I should read the Bible more than I watched TV or read any other book. I tried to do that, too. I was told that being pure wasn't relegated to being virginal, but that God judged my heart and thoughts. I shouldn't have any desirous thoughts towards a boy. If I did, it meant that something I was allowing around me was inciting lust in my heart. So I fiercely "guarded my heart" and monitored what I watched, the music I listened to, and the friends I kept. I was told that spirits can transfer through touch, so I would not hug people or allow people to touch me at school. I was told that I was called to be a witness and that if I wasn't getting people saved, I wasn't really a christian. So, I started a Bible Study at school, and tried to tell someone about Jesus every day.

I wanted to do all those things so badly. Unfortunately, as I strained for perfection I constantly fell short. I wasn't able to pray for an hour every day. I broke my fasts. I didn't read my Bible enough. I had impure thoughts. I watched/listened to the wrong things. I deeply desired hugs and affection from others (turns out touch is one of my love languages). I was uncomfortable pushing Jesus down people's throats.

I was a failure.

I couldn't do all the things I was told I should. I looked at other christians and they didn't seem to be having the same problems. Their lives looked perfect. I thought I was the only one who couldn't get it right, and for that I hated myself. I would cry and repent for not being good enough. I'd ask God for strength. I studied "dying to the flesh" and felt like all my problems were related to the fact that I hadn't killed my flesh enough. I lamented my humanity and sinful nature. I knew God loved me, but I felt like I constantly disappointed Him.

Back to the journal. Here is an actual entry:

Wretch.

Why God? Why? Why must you torture me? Am I only human; only flesh and blood? My flesh is unwilling and I feel weak. I know but am unsure. I feel but do not believe. I see but do not comprehend. Why God? Why?No matter what I don't change. When I do change I don't like what I have become. When I remain the same, I hate myself for falling behind. Questions pulse through my mind. Why God? Why?Why me when you have people who earnestly want what You have given me? Why am I not moved with purpose or love or anything but my own fleshly desires? The beast grows and the warrior faints. The poison has not touched my lips and I feel its pangs. The war rages and I do not fight because of "how I feel." Why God? Why?I am stupid and foolish. I ruin Your plans and lead people away. Why God? Why do you still want a wretch like me?

These feelings continued for years. I went to Bible College and learned even more things I was doing wrong. I was miserable, depressed, and defeated. After a particularly terrible season in my life, I decided to lay aside everything that I'd been told to do, and just to pursue knowing God.

I started by studying God's love. It was then that I then began to understand what I had missed all my life. God didn't want my service or my actions, He wanted me. This led to another truth: God didn't want to use me, He wanted to love me. Those truths changed everything.

I realized that my humanity, the thing I had constantly loathed, was created by God. He adored every bit of me, especially that I am human. He made me human and everything He makes is good. All my life I'd been rejecting the very things about myself He wanted to love.

I also learned that I cannot give what I do not have. I had struggled to love God because I had been rejecting His love for me and I subsequently didn't love myself. I decided to practice loving myself like God does. I asked Him to show me how He felt about me. As I came across things about myself that I didn't like, I asked Him how He saw them. It deepened my love for God and allowed me to receive His love for me.

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There are some truths to the things I was taught as a child, but their importance was out of order. Prayer, reading the word, and even fasting are important. Guarding your heart is a real thing. Being Spirit-led is also important. But all of those things are secondary to knowing God, loving Him, and being loved by Him. When you have the love and the connection down, God can order those other things. I know I am not the only one who has struggled with not feeling good enough.

Happy growing!

Sarah Dawn