I Choose Forgiveness

I've been hurt. My heart brutally wounded by those who said I love you.

Sometimes my mind wanders back to the hurt; back to the terrible things people have done to me. I build a case against them in my head. How could they? They said [...], then they did [...]. I start to relive the feelings and remember the pain. I remind myself how wrong they were and how right I was. I play back the memory tapes over and over and over. I know how bad they are. I know what a terrible person they really are. If no one else knows, I do.

There is a sick pleasure as I open my heart, snip the stiches I'd so carfully used to hold it together, and reopen the wounds laid there by the blades of the people who will never pay for what they've done to me. I poke around until I find blood. See, it still hurts. They're off living their lives and I still hurt. Look what they've done to me. I begin to feel sick, and weak, and powerless.

And then I catch myself and remember who I am. I am no one's victim. What they've done to me doesn't get to define and shape who I am. I am not the person I was years ago when I was hurt. My life is not the same. I have grown beautifully. My life has flourished. I won't go back.

I choose to trust God to let Him deal with them. I will not be their judge and jury. I will not demand their punishment because God does not punish me. I release them of their debt to me, and I refuse to play in the pool of my blood. I will myself to forgive. I don't feel like it; I choose it. I declare it out of my mouth and tell myself what I will do. I choose forgiveness and I choose love.

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Here is what that looks like in real life.

A few days ago, I listened to a song that reminded me of the pain a certain individual had caused me. All day my mind kept drifting to that person and the awful things they had done to me. Usually when I get in my feels I write. So I opened a fresh page in Word and the first thing I wrote was, "You can try to forget what you've done to me, but I will go to my grave knowing exactly what you did." I didn't like what came out. It savored strongly of bitterness and unforgiveness. That is not the person I want to be. I put a pin in those feelings until I had time to process.

Later that night as I was driving home, I started to think about the pain again and how terrible it was that that person never got what they deserved. Then I caught myself and said out loud, "God, why am I even thinking about this person?!" My life is in no way destroyed because of them. I have a great life. I am doing great things and have amazing relationships. Why would I discount all of that to stand in the pain of years gone by?

I decided right there to get rid of it. Part of me wanted to stand in my right to be right and my knowledge that they were wrong. But for what? It doesn't help me and it doesn't help them. I say I love God and I love people. I can't just say it, I have to walk it out. So outloud I proclaimed, "I forgive them. I don't hold anything against them. They owe me nothing. I release them and choose to let them go. What they did hurt. It sucks. But God, I trust you to deal with them the way they need to be dealt with. Just like you love me the way I need to be loved. I choose to forgive."

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Having a healthy heart doesn't mean that you never have issues, it means that you choose to deal with them so YOU can be healthy.

Happy growing!

Sarah Dawn