Healthy Heart Part 1: Escaping Mr. Right

It started like something out of the movies: an instant and irrefutable connection. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. Just a look from him, or a brush of his fingers against mine, sent electricity coursing through my body. Being with him felt like coming home. I felt like he really saw me, and for the first time in my life I felt safe with a man. We talked for hours at a time; exploring every bit of each other's heart and thoughts. If anything felt like a soulmate, he did.

Everything felt so perfect. He said all the right things, loved God, was actively involved in his church, had a good job, his own place, and great community with like-minded believers. I felt like I was living a dream. I'd finally met Mr. Right. I tried to keep my guard up, and go slow like everyone says you should. I didn't want to let my emotions run away with me. I failed miserably, but that was okay.

This guy was perfect. Well, maybe not perfect, but who was?

There were teeny, tiny discrepancies between what he said and what I found to be true. Dates, times, and facts were fluid to him. They'd change every time he told a story or told me where he'd been. I brushed it off as his creative and free personality verses my analytical fact-checking mind. Not everyone pays attention to details like I do.

Whenever I asked him about an inconsistency, he had an answer that made me feel silly for even asking. He'd woo me with sweet nothings and I'd wonder how it could be that I was so lucky to have found a man so loving.

He was fiercely private. He wanted to protect our relationship from outside influences. No one knew we were romantic. To others, we appeared to be really good friends. Around mutual friends, he kept things very platonic. He didn't acknowledge me in public or go out of his way to talk to me in social settings.

I wanted to protect "us", too. I didn't want nosey Christians in our business. However, the longer we were together, it began to feel weird that I wasn't officially his girlfriend. We talked about spending our lives together. When were we going to start officially pursuing that future?

When I'd bring it up, he'd ask if I knew how he felt about me. I'd say yes. He'd emphasize that knowing how he felt was all that mattered. Why did we need a title? Why couldn't we just enjoy each other and let things grow organically? Nothing he said was wrong. I couldn't argue with it. I decided to put my desire for more at bay, and just enjoy the present with him.

He was so passionate. Every touch and interaction felt like love radiating from the core of his being. I felt so loved by him, but strangely I don't remember him ever saying he loved me. Being in his presence and listening to his beautiful words were an intoxicating drug. My heart craved the sweet loving goodness that dripped from him like honey. Maintaining physical boundaries when everything in me wanted to be as close to this man as possible was hard. I had determined to have a pure relationship and his physical boundaries were much different than mine. He could not understand what was wrong with expressing his love for me. I was love-drunk and couldn't explain why his continued pressing of my physical boundaries was not okay.

After awhile, my inner conflicts ate away at me, and I could not take it any longer. I felt like I was losing my mind and couldn't think clearly around him. Forget the many inconsistencies that I could not articulate, or the fact that we technically were not even in a relationship. Above all, I knew that I could not stay in the relationship as it was and maintain the physical boundaries that were important to me.

I felt SO loved by him, but I knew in my heart it was only a matter of time before I gave in and slept with him. In my head, if we crossed that line it was a sure sign that we weren't supposed to be together. And I so desperately wanted to be together. Putting some space between us was the only way I could think to save our future.

When I told him my desire to take a break so we could cool down and figure out our future, his reaction was, "If that's how you feel...." He was remarkably passive about the whole thing. I expected at least some pushback from him. He did care about me, right? I thought maybe he didn't understand me, so I tried to re-articulate my reasons. The more I talked the stupider I felt. He acted like everything I was saying was all in my head and that he wasn't going to be involved in my craziness. My reasons didn't feel like real reasons anymore. I knew something was wrong even if I couldn't articulate it, and I clung to that truth as I walked away.

I thought I'd find clarity in the break, but I found more inner turmoil. I was in pain without him. My heart desperately craved the love and affirmation I was missing from him. All the while, he didn't seem to care or miss me at all. He did not initiate any contact with me. I couldn't get mad at him for doing exactly as I'd asked. I had hoped putting some space between us would cause him to rethink things, right his wrongs, and attempt to have a real relationship with me. Instead I was met with a man who seemingly could not care less that the former love of his life walked away. I wondered if I had made a bigger deal out of things than was needed.

After a few months, we crossed paths in the city at a random social event. From across the room our eyes locked, and all the emotions I'd been trying to hold back broke out of their cages and overwhelmed me. I was in love with this man.

How had I lived without him these last few months?

After the event, he asked if he could take me to dinner. Trying to ignore the overwhelming YES that rang out from the tips of my toes, I casually accepted on the condition that he behave himself--we were just friends. He affirmed to me that he had spent our time apart thinking, and he was ready to start over. He was going to do right by me and wouldn't cross any boundaries I set.

We walked side-by-side down the crowded sidewalk. My heel snagged in a crack in the pavement and I stumbled slightly. He grabbed my hand to stabilize me. I felt his touch down deep inside of me. Energy pulsed between us. I pulled my hand away but he would not relinquish his grip. "You don't want me to let go." He was right, but I scolded him for always having to initiate things beyond just friends. I did not let go of his hand, however.

As he walked me back to my car at the end of the evening, I found myself swept into a warm embrace and I melted in his arms. The flood of emotions I'd been trying to stifle broke free and poured out to him. He told me how much he'd missed me, and that he'd thought of me every day. He told me he cared about me and he wanted to be with me. I just sat there in his embrace and let my heart soak up all the love it had been starved for. He begged me to come back to his apartment. He promised that he would sleep on the couch and I could have his bed. He didn't want anything from me, he just wanted to be with me. I willed myself to say no. If we were going to start over it wasn't going to be exactly where we'd left off. I would be smarter this time. I would be more vigilant about my boundaries. I could keep both of us on the right path if I was strong enough.

I pried myself out of his embrace after a while, proud that I had resisted the urge to kiss him and that I denied his invitation to his apartment. I said my goodbyes and drove home.

Five minutes into my drive home, he called reminding me that it was not too late to turn around and meet him at his apartment. He tried to sweet talk me into it my entire ride home. It took everything in me to stay on course and get in my own bed. I made it home and celebrated my mini-victory and the new possibilities ahead.

The next morning I awoke to a beautiful good morning text from him. He apologized for ever letting me walk away and expressed his feelings for me and his desire to do things right this time. It was everything my heart had ever wanted. I cried softly as I read his words. All the pain and waiting had been worth it. This was the new beginning to a beautiful relationship.

That afternoon I went to his apartment to spend time with him. His family was visiting and we spent some time talking and laughing with them. My heart was full as I sat on the couch next to him imagining that this would be our life together.

After awhile, he excused himself to take a shower. He had been showing me his new phone and I was playing with the new apps and features on it when he stepped into the bathroom. As he showered, a little voice inside me said, check his text messages. I had not talked to him in months, I was curious to see who he had been talking to while he wasn't with me.

You can judge for yourself whether it was right or wrong for me to read his messages, but what I found changed everything.

His phone categorized all his text messages and showed how many messages he'd exchanged with each person in his feed. Mom: 30 texts. Brother: 15. Friend: 25. [Woman's Name]: 300.

My heart dropped as I opened his text thread with this woman and discovered that not only was he currently sleeping with her, they had been together the entire time he and I were. He was telling her the same sweet nothings he just told me. He gave her the same excuses he'd given me--why can't we just enjoy each other without a title--what's wrong with expressing our love for each other. I became sick to my stomach as the weight of who this man really was pressed upon my broken heart.

He had been lying the entire time.

Nothing he said was true.

Everything I felt was a lie.

Words fail me as I try to describe how utterly destroyed and broken I felt by this information. I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I had to get out of there before he got out of the bathroom. I knocked on the bathroom door and yelled through it that I had to go, then started walking out the door. He opened the door and called out to me asking where I was going. I yelled back that something came up and kept walking.

I didn't respond to any of his calls or texts. I was out the next day and he came looking for me. I caught his face from a distance and saw him making his way to me. I turned around and walked out the door and straight to my car, ignoring his calls for me to stop.

In spite of everything I'd learned, my heart still wanted to be with him. The inner turmoil between what I knew and what I felt was incredible. I wasn't sure how I was going to respond if I ever talked to him. I didn't know how I could even tell him I knew about him and that other woman. Finally, I steeled my emotions and decided I had to confront him and end things forever.

"Sarah, what the heck is going on with you? You left my house out of nowhere and have refused to talk to me. I haven't done anything. What is going on?

"I know what's going on between you and [woman's name]."

"What are you talking about?! Nothing is going on between her and I. We're just friends. Where is this coming from? I can't deal with your craziness. What are you, jealous?"

"I know you've slept with her. I know you're still sleeping with her."

"Who told you that? You know nothing. There is absolutely nothing going on with me and her. I can't believe you would accuse me like this, after all we've been through. You know how I feel about you."

"You're going to be mad at me, but I read your text messages. I saw your conversations with her. I know you're sleeping together."

"You went through my phone?! What kinda of crazy person does that? I can't believe you would invade my privacy like that."

"Yeah, I was wrong, BUT YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH HER THE ENTIRE TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER!"

"I was in a bad place. Seeing you the other night reminded me of what I really want. Believe me, it's over with her. You're the only one I want to be with. You make me a better man."

"Stop talking. I can't. I can't listen to you. I can't believe you. You've been sleeping with her this whole time! Everything you've ever said is a lie. Don't call me. Don't text me. Don't even look at me."

*Click*

_____

I wish I could say that the relationship above ended there. Unfortunately it continued off and on, cycling more and more into dysfunction, for two more years. When it did finally end, it was extremely messy and there was no resolution. I walked away feeling that I'd wasted my heart, emotions, and years of my life for nothing. I was used and broken and he seemingly got to walk away free.

I don't write this all to dredge up the past, but to set the stage for the transformation that God did in my life. It was out of this disgustingly toxic relationship that God began to teach me how to love myself and manage my emotions. Many people repeat the same relationship over and over with different people. That is not my story. God got me out, healed me, restored my soul, and brought me into the relationship He ordained for my life.

I'll share more of my healthy heart transformation soon. Stay tuned!

Happy Growing,

Sarah Dawn