Healthy Heart Part 2: The Heart Wants What it Wants

This is a continuation of my post about my toxic relationship with a guy I'm calling Mr. Right (to my friends, he's called The Dirty Bastard). If you haven't, read Part 1 here.

To be perfectly honest, I don't know how to continue this series. I've been reading my journals from the days of Mr. Right preparing for Part 2 and it breaks my heart. My heart doesn't break for the loss of him. It breaks for the woman I was and the pain I endured. It makes me want to cry when I think about the utter destruction the cycle of this "love" took upon my heart quite needlessly. I thought I was a victim, but the entire time I was the only one holding myself hostage.

Here's a sample of an old journal entry from back then:

"Can I just be honest? I am not okay. It still hurts; his hook in my heart still pulls, sometimes sharply. The relationship messed me up, yet I still long for it--for him. How is it that I felt so complete in those broken arms? Reason fails me. Wisdom begs to differ. The heart longs for the poison that intoxicates, numbs, then kills.

"It has been [some] years, yet I am still molested by this lingering presence of something quite dead. I've lived an eternity since then, yet here it is unreasonable, undeniable, unmovable."

Knowing Better Does Not Equal Doing Better

We like to think that knowledge is power and that understanding a situation changes everything.

"If only God spoke to me about him."

"If I knew who Mr. Right really was, I wouldn't have become involved."

"If I had known the "toxic relationship" warning signs, I would have seen the light and ended it much sooner."

"If someone had sat me down and said "This guy is no good! Stay away!" maybe I would have listened."

"If I had just realized that I was being manipulated and used I would have set better boundaries."

Many times we attack issues in our lives, and the lives of those we care about, with information and truth. The problem is, information and truth are not enough. Your heart doesn't care what your brain knows. Your heart is not bound by reason and reality. It is not logical. It will create answers to said logic and cling to them with incredible tenacity.

What is the Heart?

Before I go any further, let me take a moment and explain what the heart is and why it is so important.

Your heart is the internal you. It is your personality; the culmination of your thoughts; your feelings and emotions; and it is where you make all your choices and decisions. Some people define it as your mind, will, and emotions. The heart is often used synonymously with the word soul in Christian-speak.

Think of your heart as a blank book or canvas that life fills. Your experiences; things you learn; what others tell you; what they do to you; the things you see and hear; your experiences with God; your understanding of His Word and His voice--all of it fills your heart.

Your heart is not just the holding place of everything that makes you, you. It is also how you process those things. It is your central operating system. Contrary to other teaching, I believe the heart is not inherently good or evil. It is a vessel; what is in the heart determines its moral temperature.

The Heart Wants What it Wants

I spent years in an extremely unhealthy, gut-wrenchingly painful, on-again/off-again relationship. When it was ON, my heart was continually violated, trust was broken, and all healthy boundaries were crossed. So, I'd end it and spend the whole time writhing in internal pain wishing this person would get his crap together and love me forever. At the first hint that he wanted to pursue me again, I would usually drop everything including friends, family, and responsibilities to go back to him. I'd be there until the pain became too much for me, and I would end it again.

I was stuck. No matter what I did or what I knew, I could not get away from the destructive cycle of that relationship. I knew he was bad for me. I knew he was a liar and a cheater. I knew he probably didn't even love me. I knew all these things, but my heart felt differently. It didn't care what I knew. It wanted what it wanted and I could not control it. Willpower only lasted me so long.

I kept praying for God to change my heart and take away the emotions. I prayed for God to change Mr. Right or remove him from my life. I prayed for God to remove me from the situation. None of this happened.

Healthy Heart

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

EVERYTHING we say and do comes from our heart. If there is an external issue, it is a symptom of an internal issue in your heart. At the same time, if there is an internal issue, no matter how much you think it is hidden, it will seep out. Your life flows through your heart, whatever is in there effects your life.

Having a healthy heart comes from guarding your heart. Most people envision this as putting up walls around your heart so you can regulate the people and things that touch it. There is an aspect to that which we'll get into later, but in general, most people's issues are not in what they currently allow into their heart, but what is subconsciously already inside. Guarding your heart is truly about intentionally dealing with things before they become problems and not after.

Remember, everything in your life flows from your heart. When you begin to pursue a lifestyle of intentionality when it comes to your heart, you will begin to see changes in areas you didn't even know were related.

We'll put a pin in this for now. Let's get back to the story of my personal journey towards a healthy heart.

If You Don't Like It, Change It

Somewhere along the line, I decided that if God wasn't going to change my heart, I needed to.

I knew Proverbs 4:23 in theory. I knew that technically everything that I was doing was a result of what was in my heart. I was trying to keep this man out of my heart, but wasn't paying attention to what was already inside of my heart driving me to him.

I decided that it was easier to put good things into my heart than to try to get bad things out. I knew I had issues with insecurities, feeling alone, wanting affirmation and love and that those things were driving a lot of the toxic cycle I was in. So I started pursuing the answers to those issues.

If I could dig myself out on my own I would have. In order for me to see change in my heart and mind, I had to connect with others who had what I needed. I sat down with someone I loved and respected to talk about where I was and where I wanted to go. She gave me books to read, and "homework" to do. During this time, I pulled out God's promises to me and who He said I was. I wrote love letters to myself. I made myself sit and dream about where I wanted to be in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years and to imagine what it would be like. Little by little, I felt my heart change.

I found myself feeling strong and powerful. I felt secure in my own skin. I found my voice again. I didn't need the sick love of a twisted man anymore. I was able to stay no and mean it. I ended the relationship cycle and haven't looked back!

Keep Growing

Growth and developing a health heart is an on-going life-long process. It is a lifestyle you live, and not something you do for a time to get results. You get to decide if you are just going to let life happen to you, or if you're going to do something to change.

Happy growing!

Sarah Dawn