Just a Girl

I remember the first time I consciously regretted being born a girl. I was in college, studying to be a pastor. Yes, I wanted to be a Pastor - not a Pastor's wife or a minister - a Pastor.

At that time, I had been confronted by how much I had to learn and how little I actually knew. I wanted to learn how to pray for the sick, how to hear from God, how to flow in the Spirit while ministering to others, how to cast out demons, how to lead people, and how deal with conflict not including the many other things that would come with running a ministry. I stood in the full knowledge of my own ignorance and desperately wanted to learn how to do the things I felt God had called me to do. I'd been called to preach when I was 14 and in the four years since then, I'd found no one to teach me what I desperately wanted to learn. All I wanted was to be mentored and taught by someone in ministry.

While in Bible College, I looked around the ministry and saw someone who I instantly admired. He was doing exactly what I wanted to do, and he was doing it so well! He was the person I needed to learn from. I made it my mission to be involved in the department he ran and hopefully learn from him. He met with me to discuss my involvement in his department of the ministry. I explained that I was called to be a pastor and that I saw how God used him and wanted to learn. He said he saw greatness in me and was happy to work with me and help develop it.

I made myself available every day after my classes to serve in his department. He told me to keep my eyes open and pay attention and that I'd learn a lot. Then, he gave me admin work. I kept attendance, did data entry, sent emails, filled out his departmental status reports, and made cold calls for him. While I was sitting in the office doing his work, he met with young men who felt called to ministry and mentored them. He talked to them about life, ministry, how to hear from God, how he flowed while preaching, how to deal with difficult people, and much more. I listened as best as I could from across the room soaking it all in. He took them with him on ministry trips, had them sit in on counseling sessions and meetings with the church Pastor. I was never invited to these mentorship meetings or other learning opportunities. After months of sitting by the sidelines and observing, I finally realized I would never be mentored the way those young men were because I was a woman. It was devastating. I was called and just as capable, but I would never get the training and preparation they got because I had breasts, and God forbid I could be a temptation and opportunity for impropriety.

My would-be mentor was a fairly young married man in ministry and I'm sure was concerned mentoring me would be seen as inappropriate. He had been taught just as I had, to avoid the very appearance of evil. Rather than explore what mentorship with the opposite sex could look like, I was limited to busy work and had to learn from the background. I was so hungry to learn and to grow that I wished God had made me a man. I would be able to do what He'd placed in my heart a lot easier if I had testicles. I felt like my gender limited me and there was nothing I could do about it. I was so frustrated.

That's was the first time I consciously remember feeling that being a woman made me less important and at a disadvantage in life compared to a man. Little did I know, I had been taught I was less important than a man all my life. I'd never realized it before but my life, the way I carried myself, how I dressed and how I felt about myself was shaped by female-depreciating traditions, beliefs and christian dogma. Now , more that 10 years later--after graduating college, beginning adult life, dating nothing but christian men, and working in full-time ministry--all I can do is shake my head when I think of the stupidity I endured for lack of knowing who I was and what I carried.

I believed I was just a girl. I spent years feeling something was wrong but could not finding the words to express it. I believed my value was based on the amount of male affirmation I received. I chose accept sexual "compliments," and said thank you afterward because I was taught not to be rude. When I was uncomfortable or felt unsafe, I chose to ignore my feelings for fear of making someone else feel bad or uncomfortable.

I believed a man’s lack of self-control was my fault. If I wasn't dressed modestly enough, and he lusted after me, God would hold me accountable. Men were sensual beings who were programed to want sex and I should expect them to try to cross my physical boundaries. I had to be the gatekeeper of our purity. I had to be strong and make sure that we didn't have sex because they either couldn't or wouldn't. I actually apologized to men for saying no to their sexual advances.

I didn’t love myself enough to walk away from relationships that were bad for me. I felt like other's needs were more important than mine. I would be the bigger person and suck it up; not expressing my true needs or feelings so that he would stay with me. I allowed my heart, mind, and body to be violated by men because I didn't want to lose their love.

I honestly believed I had to limit myself in order to be acceptable as a partner to a man. I felt more ambitious and more capable than most of the men I dated. I believed that if I were honest about who I was, what I believed, and what I aspired to in life no man would want to be with me. I was told on multiple occasions by my spiritual leaders and men I dated that "I needed a strong man to put me in check", and that I needed to learn how to submit. I believed I couldn’t start my life until I’d found my husband--that as the leader of our family and he would be the one who decided where our lives went, and that my dreams would have to be laid aside to support his.

I worked at jobs making less than those around me and refused to speak up about it for fear of losing what little I had gained. I hated taking charge because I didn’t want people to think I was bossy or b*tchy. I accepted that I couldn’t be in leadership as a woman because men would not relate to me. I was not taught, empowered, or mentored by the strong men around me in the same way my male counterparts were. When I sought mentorship and counsel from men who were living my dreams, I was told to seek out a strong wife and mother to learn from. I did not see any women doing what I wanted to do, and believed that maybe I wouldn't be able to do it either.

_____

Today, if I even get a whiff of the just a girl sentiment, I put on my warrior princess panties and go to war. It can make people uncomfortable. I'm not sure what it is, but I have nothing but fire living inside of me when it comes to empowering men, and especially women, into their God-given identities and destinies. Men and women are not always empowered equally, especially in the church. We are all called to be the answer to a world in need. When nearly half of us are kept in the shadows, everything and everyone suffers.

There is no such thing as just a girl.

Happy growing!

Sarah Dawn