Love, Loss, Heartache, and Disappointment

At that moment, I knew.

I knew it was over.

I knew he wasn't the same man I'd fallen in love with.

I knew things would never go back to "the way they were".

I knew I was about to have my heart ripped out of my chest.

I knew.

And I sat up straight, looked him in the eyes, and faced it head-on.

_____

If there is one thing I know how to do, it is how to go through heartache. I know it won't kill me. I know it won't last. I know that it ultimately causes me to grow. I know it brings me closer to God. I know it re-ignights my truest passions and brings a level of clarity that gets lost in the day-to-day life. I know I will heal. Life was good before heartache, it will be good afterwards.

I have wrapped my arms and life around people - family, friends, loves - and I have lost them. It is a part of life. I am not the only one who has walked this road. This is not the first heartache and I know it will not be the last.

I give myself space and permission to grieve. To feel. To be angry. To be hurt. To cry. To obsess. To process. To heal.

I pull in those who will love me well. They help hold me together while my heart-love-expectations-plans-life shatter around me. They remind me who I am. They listen while my heart and soul bleed. They are good to me while I am learning to be good to myself all over again. When I want to be rash, or lash out in rage and hurt, I pull on my people. They ground me.

As each thought and hurt sweeps over my mind I feel it, but I don't let it consume me. Hurt is only a temporary state. I won't live in it. I write...and write...and write...and cry. With each stroke of my pen, I bleed and I heal. I pour out my heartache and lock it away in the pages of my journal so I no longer have to carry it in my heart. Eventually the writing slows. All the words that need to be said, have been written. When more come, I write them too. My mind and my heart feel lighter.

Life goes on. At first I resent it, eventually I embrace it. What's done is done. What's gone is gone.

I purge my life, my things, my pictures, my connections to the past. I will not allow myself to hold onto something that is no longer real. I will accept his truth, even if I do not agree. It is over. I wish things could be changed, but they really cannot. I will myself to accept this. I won't live in a fantasy. I won't pursue a phantom.

As I purge, I move at my own pace. I make sure my heart is okay with letting go. Some things just get put away for a later time to process. I find not everything has to go. The past happened, and there are parts of it I want to celebrate. I do not want to erase it, only remove any tethers to it that would keep me from living in my present and moving on into my future.

Moments turn to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months. The soul-crushing pain and disappointment give way to acceptance and a quiet peace. I look around and see that I am okay...I will be okay. I am okay.

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2/10/17 Journal Entry:

"Everything is going to be okay. Get back to who you are. You're a bit lost. You're a bit wobbly. You're going to find your feet and hit the ground running sooner than you think. You're going to be okay. You have missed no good thing. You are not alone. This will not define you in a negative way. You're never late. Don't worry about wasted time. There is no wasted time. It's okay. You're okay."