Single and Dating

It's been a few months since the big breakup and I've begun to put my toe out into the dating pool again. After going on a few dates and talking to other single people, I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest.

Dating is not a dirty word

I was raised in the generation of "I kissed dating goodbye" where dating was compared to "practicing divorce". In many christian circles the word "dating" is still treated like a dirty word. It pretty much means you are no longer waiting on God and are pursuing the lusts of your flesh.

I'd like to state for the record that this is absurd. Dating is a tool. It can be used for evil or it can be used for good. It doesn't matter what you call it, your actions and your heart determine whether something is healthy and productive or unhealthy and destructive. Going on a date is not a sin. Going on many dates with many different people is not a sin. Honor God, honor yourself and your body, and honor the person you are dating.

Also, dating is not a signed contract that you are getting married. Please take the pressure off yourself and stop putting it on others. Yes, the goal is that you are getting to know each other with the purpose of determining if you are compatible for marriage. But guess what: it's really hard to get to know someone for who they really are, when you're holding them to the light of eternity together right away. Also, pressuring people to get married because they are dating has probably led to more than a few unfortunate marriages that never should have been.

Ultimately, you own yourself. You and God get to decide what is right for you and who is right for you. Don't be ashamed of your process and don't put shame on someone else for doing things differently than you.

You and God need to come to an agreement on if you should be dating and in what capacity

You're not going to trick God and find your soulmate when He told you to take a seat. And "The One" is not going to find you if you're still waiting on God and He's told you to get out there.

Also, please understand that whatever He tells you is for YOU. Don't be moved by people who tell you that you should be doing something else. At the same time, don't pass the instructions and convictions that God has given you on other people. God deals with each of us as individuals. Only He knows exactly what we need. Trust Him.

Before you start dating, you need to separate your value, self-worth and self-esteem from the amount of people who like you

If your self-worth is wrapped up in people, you're in for a world of hurt. Everyone is not going to like you. Everyone is not going to want you. People who you like, may not like you back. People who you absolutely have no interest in, may like you. None of this has anything to do with your value as a person or even your physical attractiveness. A diamond is a diamond regardless of where it is or who sees it. Someone who knows what a diamond is, will value it. Someone who doesn't may think it is just a stone. Regardless it is a diamond and it never loses value.

You are the same. You are always valuable. Anyone who doesn't see your value isn't for you, brush it off and keep it moving. In this season of dating, you get to wrap yourself up in the security of who God says you are and not settle for an ounce less than that.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

Regardless of the medium - social media, online dating, apps, being set up by friends - you are dealing with a real VALUABLE human on the other side. If they're not your cup of tea, be upfront. Ghosting sucks. Don't use people--for sex, for affirmation, for a free meal. Don't do something to someone else that you would not WANT them to do to you. You reap what you sow.

Stop Complaining

As soon as I started dating again, I was inundated by the laments of other singles looking for a good man or woman.

"There are no good men left, they're all married by now." "It's so hard to find a good woman."

First of all, let's think about this. You're supposedly a good man or woman. If you exist, then there are good men and women out there. I'm sure in your circle of friends you know at least one good man or woman. They may not be the type of person that you're looking for -- but they are going to be good for somebody. Good men and women exist.

Secondly, why the heck are you basing the possibilities of your life off what you see? I get that you're looking for "tall, dark and handsome; age appropriate; college educated and no kids" and in the natural it looks like your dating pool is very small. But guess what? You are a child of God. You are not limited to what you see right in front of your face. God knows where that one rare unicorn is -- trust Him!

I for one, refuse to be hopeless. God has time and time again, taken care of me and supplied what I need. Why wouldn't a relationship be the same? Yeah, sometimes it looks bleak, but I just imagine that the man God has for me is looking in anticipation for my good thing just as much as I'm looking for him. He will find me, and it will be good.

Final Thoughts

Each of us are responsible for our own actions and our own hearts. If you don't like how your life is happening, do something about it!

The only person in this universe that you can control is you. If you find yourself repeating the same unhealthy relationship over and over and over; if all of your "relationships" amount to casual hookups; if you have not had one adequate suitor in the last few years; if you can't get past a broken heart; if you become a crazy person in relationships; or if you just want some direction, I would strongly recommend that you take proactive measures to grow. Go to counseling with someone who is going to give you practical real-life help and not just spiritual inspiration. Get a life coach. Invest in yourself.

If you could fix yourself alone, you would have done it by now. It's time to connect to someone that can see what you can't and will push you towards growth. And no, I'm not talking about talking to your friends; I'm sure they are great but they are not what you need. I'm talking about taking a leap of faith that pushes you outside of your comfort zone and requires action from you. Be brave.

You got this!

Happy Growing,

Sarah Dawn