Before I Love Anyone Else

There were a lot of really good things in my last relationship but when it ended, I began to realize some fundamental issues that I had previously been too close to see. Somewhere along the line, I lost myself. After the dust and the emotions of the breakup settled, I looked around and had to ask, "how the heck did I get here?"

It would be easy to point the finger and blame him for the failure of our relationship and the state of my heart. I could curl up in the bitter victimhood of "YOU hurt me" and "YOU did this to me". I won't lie, I explored those feelings a bit (and I have the breakup poetry to prove it). But let's be honest, curling up and blaming him does nothing but remove my power and my hope. If it is all his fault, I remove my ability to do anything about it. My resolution and closure would be based on him making amends for the things I have decided he is guilty of doing. That position sucks. I'm not waiting for anyone else to find my healing.

As I processed through the heartbreak, one central theme began to emerge. I was so focused on loving him well, that I did not love myself well. I sacrificed myself at the altar of 'our relationship'. At the time, I felt like I chose us over me. I felt like I chose connection over being right. I felt like HE needed to be the focus of my energy and emotions because he was going through a difficult time. When I should have set boundaries, I didn't. When my heart was hurt or needed something, I didn't recognize it or I tell him what I needed. When I was desperately unhappy, I stuffed it down and told myself it was just a season and that things would get better. I chose to be the "bigger person" and let things go, when I really should have stuck to my guns and called attention to things that were not okay. By not loving myself well, I remained in a relationship dynamic that was unhealthy for me.

I remember hearing that we are predisposed to receive the level of love from others that we have for ourselves. No one will ever be able to love us more than we love ourselves. If we find ourselves in a relationship that supersedes our self-love and we don't grow, we will self-destruct and sabotage the relationship to return the relationship to our self-love status quo.

I can't say what would have happened in my relationship had I maintained self-love and self-care, but I do know that before I love anyone else, I'm going to love myself. I am embracing the adventure of loving me and am determined to have the greatest love affair of my life with myself.

Let me pause the self-love talk to clarify something: there is a difference between self-love/self-care and selfishness. Self-love says, "I am just as important as everyone else." Selfishness says, "I am MORE important than everyone else." I am not talking about living a selfish, self-centered life where I must put others down or control them to increase my own value. Self-love is recognizing my inherent value and treating myself accordingly. It also recognizes that if I am inherently valuable, so is everyone else. When I love myself well, I will love others well in turn. My value is not determined by their support or approval of me. It is an internal spring, flowing out of my relationship with God and who He says I am, that I feed from.

Loving myself well looks like a lot of things from being self-aware to making sure I work out regularly. I am going to counseling and putting in the work to address the underlying issues to my self-love lapse. Taking care of myself, my heart, my mind, my spirit, and my health are the priorities of my life right now. I am doing all the things that I've wanted to do, but just put on the waiting list for one reason or another. I am not waiting for a person or an event to begin to live my life. I am living it right now. I give myself permission to do what I want and I allow myself to say 'no' to things I do not want to do. I am worthy of my investment and deserving of my own TLC.

One of my favorite parts of this journey is discovering that I am not alone. I have a wealth of amazing people here in California and all over the U.S. who love me and are pulling for my success. I am leaning into, and investing in relationships with people that love me well (even when my introvert heart doesn't want to). My community is important, there is safety, support, encouragement, and strength in it. I am loving myself well by investing in relationships that make me a better me. You grow where you are planted -- so I'm planting myself.

I have been intentionally practicing all these things and then some for the last few months. Let me tell you, it has made a world of a difference already. I feel lighter, happier, healthier, more focused, more in-touch with my emotions, less averse to conflict, more confident in my life and communication, and general increase in my happiness and satisfaction in life. I can honestly say that the last few months of my life have been some of the best I've had.

Before I close, I'd like to take a moment and address reality. I feel that if I am going to write about the good things going on in my life, I should also be transparent about the other side of things. Pain and joy can exist simultaneously, they are not mutually exclusive. While I am absolutely experiencing great joy and fulfillment, I am also still processing through my pain. I have days where my heart aches so much it makes getting through the day difficult. I have nights where I curl up and cry in my sister's lap. I didn't just "get over it," I am still getting over it. I am still going through the messy-painful-beautiful process of healing. And that's okay.

I realize that it is easy to read bits and pieces of someone's life and then feel inadequate in your own. I hate that feeling and I never want to be the cause of it if at all possible. My purpose in sharing all my ups-and-downs and what I'm learning is to take the shame off heartache, dysfunction and pain. We all have it and go through it. We all process it differently. I hope my journey inspires you on your own. So be encouraged, I promise you are doing just fine.

Keep growing, keep loving, and keep going!

Sarah Dawn