I've Been Hiding

I realize I've disappeared for awhile. When people ask me where I've been or what's been going on, my typical excuses have been:

Work has been busy. I have done some incredible things over the last six months through my job. I am incredibly proud and thankful for the opportunities that God has brought me.

I went back to school. In May of 2017 I decided I wanted to finish my degree. My reason was essentially this: I did not want my lack of a degree to keep me from doing anything that was in my heart to do. I don't exactly know where I want to continue to point my life, what I do know is that I dream big and I want the sky to be my limit. I began my first class in July of 2017 and have been on a full-time schedule ever since. Needless to say most of my nights and weekends are spent doing homework and writing papers.

While work and school have taken up HUGE portions of my time and energy, the real reasons I've been M.I.A. are a bit more complicated.

I've been feeling a little lost

I'm not quite sure where I fit. I moved to Sacramento 3.5 years ago and I am still struggling--really struggling--to build community. Part of this may be blamed on my introvert nature. I have a hard time reaching out and pursuing others. I also despise small talk and meaningless chatter. I need depth, and soul, and passion. It can also be blamed on the fact that as I've been busy with work and school I have not made it a priority to be social. But deeper still is the feeing that I'm not right for the circles I've had the opportunity to participate in. Please don't take this to mean that I am curling up in a ball of self-pity -- I am not. I simply have different values and passions and interests than those in the social circles that I have currently stuck my toe into.

*This is somewhat of a sidenote and probably should be its own separate post, but I'll give you a taste*

One of my overwhelming conflicts is how incredibly white most of the social spaces around me are. If you know me, you know that diversity is a HUGE core value to me. When I attend events and social gatherings and even church services where 85%+ of the participants are white, I feel a pit in my stomach. It feels disingenuous on my part to participate. This is hard to articulate to white people who have grown up in white spaces their entire lives. It feels normal to them and they feel that everyone is welcome to attend, and just chooses not to. I did not grow up in white spaces and I feel differently about the issue. There are a host of historical, cultural and societal reasons why people of other races, ethnicities, and backgrounds do not participate in events and social gatherings that are predominantly white. Most notably--because the predominant attendees/participants do not create a space for them to do so...but that is another discussion for another time.

I'll just leave it as this (and I realize it comes off very strongly): participating in these events and gatherings feels like I am betraying my own soul. How can I participate in an event where people I consider family would not feel welcome? Diversity and inclusion is a central and core value to my life. I have a hard time building meaningful relationships with those who do not share at least a bit of this value with me.

And the biggest reason I've disappeared is this:

I'm in a relationship. Karamoko and I started dating again a few months ago. Things have changed since we broke up in January of this year. During our time apart, each of us grew. We are now in better places and have a completely different relationship than before. We have been working things out between us and while it has been one heck of a bumpy ride, I am happy with where we are.

That being said, I've been somewhat of a coward and a hypocrite. I advocate transparency and openness and I myself have been hiding. Initially, I wanted to figure out how I felt and what I wanted and didn't want people around me to influence my decisions. Also, and probably more accurately, I felt like the people I love would not approve. I've been very vocal about the break-up, my pain, and some of the things which went wrong. People feel emotionally invested in those things and have a hard time accepting that the relationship is better and good for me now.

Let me be really real for a moment--my relationship with Mo is not a fairy tale. It is not a picture perfect Christian relationship and does not hit all of the "10 Ways to Know He's the Right One for You" boxes. We have a messy broken history on both sides. We are working through personal issues, past hurts, family issues, cultural and age differences, and a host of other things. At the end of the day, I believe we love each other fiercely and are willing to work through our mess to create something beautiful. But to many outside eyes, especially those who walked with me through picking up my broken pieces after our breakup, it is not an ideal relationship.

I should have been transparent about what was going on with those around me and owned my decisions, but I hid them out of fear. I didn't want to be judged for getting back with him after _____ happened. I felt like I could keep things hidden while we worked out the messy parts, and then I'd reveal it to everyone when it reached a place that was more socially acceptable like, "Ta da! Look at how perfect and healthy we are". In doing so, I alienated myself, shut out those who loved me, hurt them, and now have some rebuilding to do.

Throughout all this, I've felt an internal conflict. How could I write about anything when I was not being authentic? I felt like no matter what I wrote, no matter what the topic, it would be false because of the state of my heart and the fact that I was hiding something. This has been one of the main reasons I have not written over the last few months.

So, this is it. I'm laying it out on the table. This is what's going on in my life. I am thriving in business and school and figuring things out spiritually, socially, and personally. Overall, I feel like I am where I am supposed to be and that God is directing the rest. I still love God. I am not backsliding (I hate the fact that I may have to specify this). I'm just growing and stretching and figuring things out.

This past year has been one of the best and most difficult of my life. Thank you to those who have loved me through my process and my distance. I am truly sorry for shutting you out and am so thankful for still having you in my life. May this next year be one of clarity, growth, direction, and increase.

Happy growing,

Sarah Dawn