Healing as I Go
- Sarah Dawn
- Jul 6, 2023
- 4 min read
"What is wrong with me?
I remember walking around my neighborhood asking that question over and over while I cried. I was 17, and had just been steamrolled by my vice principal. I was frustrated and angry at myself because in the moment all I could do was smile and nod. I was internally paralyzed. No words came out of my mouth. My brain was full of responses, but there was a lump in my throat and I could NOT make my mouth open. I couldn't articulate anything intelligent and just turned red, smiled and nodded, and teared up. This awful woman bulldozed me, and I just let it happen. She over-talked me and used her authority as a weapon. Imagine getting steamrolled by someone who has the power to suspend you if they deem your tone disrespectful.
I was barely more than a child and had never faced this type of conflict with an adult before. Every emotion feels at least 10x stronger when you're a teenager, so it just felt like the world was ending and something was deeply wrong with me that I involuntarily nodded and physically couldn't communicate clearly. I hated myself for it.
What's wrong with me?!
At 27, my boss called me into his office without any context. Instantly, I felt cornered and like something bad must be happening. I sat down and he asked me how I was doing. Before my brain could formulate a response I turned red, teared up, and started crying. And then, I COULD NOT STOP CRYING. My brain was spinning trying to reason myself out of this involuntary response. but I was essentially paralyzed and my voice would not work. I just croaked out an apology in between sobs and told him I was okay.
In hindsight, I was not okay. I was burned out. I was being exploited and emotionally gaslit (by others in the organization). I was disembodied. I hated the work I was doing; it drained me and had no connection to purpose for me. The work that I loved and fulfilled me had been taken away. I dreaded my days at work. I did not feel understood by my boss. And I hated that my heart, and mind, and body betrayed me whenever I felt strong emotion with an authority figure. I felt like a failure and just knew he thought I was crazy.
What's wrong with me?!
At the ripe old age of 34, I was curled up on my couch once again involuntarily turning red, crying, and unable to formulate words. I felt internally paralyzed.
My f---ing body was betraying me again!
I was angry and sad and overwhelmed and so, so frustrated with myself.
The trigger? My husband left a note for the neighbor about her non-stop-barking-dog earlier in the day. The neighbor then left us a note saying my husband was being aggressive and escalating the situation. She also said she felt threatened. (Yes, she is white woman and my husband is a six-foot black man -- draw your own conclusions).
I read her note to my husband and then instantly went into my weird paralyzed trauma response. Even though my brain was telling me I had no reason to be upset there I was in tears and hyperventilating with a lump in my throat.
My husband was really worried and confused because to him, it was no big deal - who cares if the neighbor doesn't like us. And yet, I was having an involuntary emotional meltdown over a neighbor I didn't know writing a mean note. I knew enough to tell him: this isn't about this. My nervous system is freaking out and I just need a hug."
Seriously, what is this?
Have you ever heard of fight, flight, or freeze? It's the notion that people inherently respond to perceived danger or a stressor by either fighting, running away/escaping, or shutting down and freezing. I learned in therapy that there's a fourth trauma response, fawn, which typically comes from childhood trauma. And guess what? I'm an effing fawn.
Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries. ... even the thought of expressing a preference or need triggers an emotional flashback of such intensity that they completely dissociate from their knowledge of and ability to express what they want.
–Pete Walker, “The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex Trauma“ (emphasis mine)
It's not my fault
I hated this thing in me for years and felt like I was put together wrong. I felt constantly betrayed by myself. This involuntary response to smile and nod, nervously laugh, seem like I agree, or shut down and cry when I really really want to express myself -- it is all part of my trauma response. None of it is my fault. This is how my mind and body learned to survive, stay safe, and meet my needs. It is a good thing, in that it has kept me alive, and is not indicative of my value or capability as a person.
It has only been in the last few months that I discovered there was a word for what I have experienced all my life. I'm still realizing all the ways it manifests in my life and relationships. The discovery of the fawn response as a legitimate thing has been liberating in ways I cannot express. I finally have a word to describe these weird things that go on inside of me. I'm not just a shitty "people pleaser".
I'm in the very beginning stages of working through this and don't have a lot of answers to provide for you at this point in time. I mainly just wanted to give voice to my experience. Maybe there's someone else who has experienced something similar and needs to know they're not alone. If you're interested, here's some articles by Sam Dylan Finch on the fawn response that I have found helpful
Wherever you are in life: Happy Growing.
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